These jokes and cartoons had been sent mostly by Carol and Soo over the past year. 

Dear All,
This is sent to me by a young beauty studying marketing in H.K.  You guessed right, I was their family obstetrician.
A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.
Regards.
H.N. Soo.

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HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN "MARKETING"?
(This is only for people who understand true Marketing.)

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room.  You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room.  You give your friend ten bucks.  He goes up and says, "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room.  You ask someone what her mobile number is, call her and chat for a while,then say, "I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room.  You give two of your friends ten bucks each to stand within earshot of the girl and talk about how great you are in bed and what a hottie you are.
That's PR.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room.  You put a spring in your step and walk around playing Mr Busy.  You put on your best smile and play like you're Mr Congenial.  You search your memory and remember how to be Mr Good Manners.  You stand straight, talk soft and smooth, smile like a dream, and create an aura around yourself that you're Mr Gentleman.  Then you move up to the girland say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.


 



 
 


 


 
 


 
 


THOUGHT YOU PARENTS OUT THERE MIGHT ENJOY THIS:

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.  And.....the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?  Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said,
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.  Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!   But there is reassurance in  this story.  If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.  If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

A FEW ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS! ...

CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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Addendum from Soo:
Many of us regretted that Adam & Eve were not Cantonese, or they would have left the apple untouched but savoured the snake instead.


 


 






            Snow White

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Odalisque

(This joke was sent by Carol.)

Health Tips and News  - - -   The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise

Q:  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A:  Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap or watch some TV.

Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:  You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q:  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:  Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:  You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q:  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A:  Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:  Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life.


 
 


 




"Minor" Surgery
 
 

... and this is Dr. Boggs.  He bet me last night that he could
do the operation blindfolded.



"Next ... Thelma strolls the surgery floor with confidence in
this 'sassy' bile green evening gown."

 
 


 
 
 


 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 




(Also sent by Carol.)

NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.   After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby  farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it is terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained.  "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.  And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.  They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do".

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.  "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry,  buddy.  I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."